Lets face it. If I had been a member of the Fellowship of the Ring, Aragorn and Boromir probably would have left me behind in Moria. I would have gotten caught up in arguing with the other members over whether the Balrog really had wings, or if they were just an illusion it was casting with its power (by the way — the No-Wingers camp should try that one on for size and see what they can make of it).
Gandalf might have been amused at my attempts to pin down Elrond on just how many great princes and captains there would have been at the breaking of Thangorodrim, versus the marshalling of the hosts of the Last Alliance of Elves and Men. Sure, he was there on both occasions, but did he actually take names? After all, except for Elendil, Isildur, Gil-galad, and maybe one or two others, he doesn’t really mention anyone. Why is that?
Gimli probably would not have had much to say to me. After all, Dwarves don’t really care much for the details of history. They know someone done their granddaddies wrong, and that is good enough for them. Had Thorin paid closer attention to matters when he fled Erebor with his father and grand-father, he probably would have figured out that there was a secret door somewhere. Maybe he could have asked them if they had stopped to carve a dual curse on the gold jar which is pictured in “Conversation with Smaug”.
Boromir would have liked me the least. I would have been rubbing his nose in his lack of proper royal credentials at every opportunity. He had a pretty snide sense of humor, always picking on other people and belittling them. I don’t like people who behave that way. It’s just so petty. He didn’t deserve to be king of Gondor. Who did he think he was, aspiring to royal status anyway? His brother had a right sense of place and duty.
Now, the Hobbits and I would have had a blast. They were always getting into trouble. Heck, I would have been right there beside Sam, comforting Frodo on Weathertop, saying obsequious things like, “Hey, ANYONE would have put that Ring on. It wasn’t your fault. By the way — are you going to eat that trailbread?”
Pippin and I would have traded barbs back and forth all day, quick one-liners, bad puns, singing songs off key. Merry would probably have been good for a practical joke or two. As a Bucklander, he probably spent a great deal of time lobbing corn cobs at the farmers in the Marish, meeting their daughters behind haystacks, and lighting fires underneath the trees of the Old Forest.
Legolas would have struck me as odd. Of course, I probably wouldn’t have gotten to say a word to him on most days anyway. What Tolkien didn’t bother to tell us is that he had a girlfriend at every trailstop and roadside inn (and, yes, Elves DO sleep in beds, so why on Earth would they want to pass up a flea-ridden bed in a local human inn?). Leggy and I would have had a few flirting contests to see who would snag the most smiles and hair-twirls, but he would win. We all know that.
You see, that is really what adventuring in Middle-earth should be all about. Hanging out with the Nine Dudes, just cruisin’ from Great Moment to Great Moment, sneaking in some quality backstage time while the Great Debates rage in Elrond’s Council. You know that two months the Fellowship spent in Rivendell before starting out for Eregion? That would be some IMMENSE magic-making time, folks! Imagine all the spells we could entice Gandalf and the Elves to lay on our swords, our armor, our trailbread. For that matter, any good alchemist knows you can enchant anything.
Me, I’d want a belt buckle that would force anyone to tell me the truth, no matter how hurtful it might be to their reputation. You see, if I were to make it across the Anduin with Sam and Frodo, I wouldn’t put up with all this “Swear by the Precious” nonsense that Frodo found to be so fair and just. Nope. I would have laid Gollum down and said, “All right, Gollum, either you start telling us how to get into Mordor, or I take off my belt!”
And then I would want Boots of Hobbit Chastisement. You see, traveling with four Hobbits is a bit like herding cats. You can only put up with so much whining about “When do we eat again?” and “I am wasting away to a wraith!” Enough of that garbage. With my Boots of Hobbit Chastisement, I’d just give them a swift kick and everything would be okay again faster than you can scream, “Fool of a Took!”
Now, no good adventurer can go on the road without a Plus Nine Magic Sword of Foe-Slaying and Monster-Taming. After all, that is what Farmer Giles had when he met Chrysophylax, right? So, clearly, Tolkien had one lying around in the closet. Elrond’s Elvish smiths probably would have needed a little practice before reforging Narsil anyway, and they HAD TWO MONTHS for crying out loud!
Add to that my Leather Jerkin of Arrow Repulsion (so no one would mistake me for a big warrior or a dumb wizard in robes), my Backpack of Endless Useful items, my Rope of Everlasting Tension, my Self-heating Cooking Pots and Pans, my Plus Five Whip, and my Fishing Net of Sustenance and I would be set to go.
Can you imagine Sam trying to pack Bill the Pony with all the crazy stuff Hobbits carry on their road trips? I mean, silk hankies, white cakes, beer, ale, wine, a full set of dishes, a tea set, a table cloth, cheese, crackers, cookies, ambiguous leafy green things, bread, milk, onions, potatoes — was there any room for anything useful on that poor pony’s back? After all, the party could have used a Tent of Many Rooms (impervious to both rain and hail, and capable of sustaining up to four inches of snow).
Two months is just such a long time to sit in Rivendell, doing nothing but twiddling your thumbs. I would have driven Gandalf nuts with my constant, “When are we going to leave?” “Not just yet.” “So, can I get you to cast some spells for me?” “NO! Now leave me alone!”
I would have had it all worked out, too. Assuming Elrond had four alchemists and a couple of magicians sitting around the house, swapping lies and old stories, I could have had them churning out magical glow-in-the-dark (at will) armor for the Hobbits. A couple of Fly spells later and we’d all have Breeches of Fast Travel. Forget the Eagles; we’re soaring over Mordor on the wings of Elven Bell-Bottoms, dudes! It’s SO righteous!
Legolas would have had two quivers of multiple-critical arrows, a couple of explosive fireball arrows, at least one arrow of teleportation, and a Bow of Defense with a Plus 25 Shield and a full set of deflection bonuses. No Orc arrow would ever come near him.
Boromir’s silly horn would have been replaced with a fully symphonic Bardic Sound System in a leather cap, completely embedded with spells of sound control, ambience setting, and Momentous Declarations. He would have had a Cloak of Total Warmth, a Belt of Deflection, and a Saddle of Shadow Steed so he could ride across the mountains and bring help, if necessary.
Now, Aragorn would need something special. Being the rightful king and all, I would say he deserved more than the cheap junk I’ve mentioned so far. To begin with, to go with Arwen’s banner, he would need a proper Sky Ship of Cloudbursts, capable of carrying up to 4,000 men and stocking enough provisions to feed them for a year. It would travel 100 miles per day and reach altitudes of 25,000 feet. There would be air conditioning, a DvD studio, and fully functional toilets (with a complete recycling system). The ship would move by stealth mode at night, meaning it would not block out any stars. And there would be a trap door in the bottom, just in case someone needed to make a quick escape (or to drop a pesky Ring into Mount Doom).
I think the Chief of the Rangers of Eriador would also need a Saddle of Horse-Flight for his noble steed, Roheryn. Roheryn would be able to clear tall mountains with a single bound.
And, naturally, Aragorn would have to have a Cloak of Ranger Stealth which enabled him to hear conversations 100 miles away, launch successful ambushes against 10-to-1 odds, and heal any mortal wound inflicted upon one of his faithful companions.
Just for good measure, I would have Elrond write up a Scroll of Inspiration so that Gimli could read it off when we were facing down the horde of Orcs in Moria (I haven’t figured out why or how we’d need to get the ship into Moria, but who wants to miss a chance to get some experience by killing the Balrog with a Dagger of Mairic Banishment?).
I’m telling you, if Tolkien had let me wander through Middle-earth, the War of the Ring would have been little more than a footnote in the Annals of Alchemy.
So, bring on Middle-Earth Online. I’m pumped.
This article was originally published on March 14, 2005.
See also
Who Were the Rings of Power Made for?
Can Men Use Magic in Middle-earth?
How Did Elvish Magic Work in Middle-earth?
Magic by Melkor: No Returns Accepted (Classic essay)
Moving Sale: Magic Rings and Other Trinkets Half Off (Classic essay)
What Were the Toys of Dale Like?
The Magic of the Minstrels (Classic essay)
How Rare Was Magic in Middle-earth? Should Gamers Have Lots of Magic Items?
